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Monday, November 30, 2009
Tips to Better Living #28
As long as it's not sex, putting something in a wrong hole is "close" but acceptable.
Labels:
humor,
observation,
tips to better living
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
OP #13 - Going the full...
...monty, that is. ;)
Staying with the vein (if you'll pardon the pun in a moment) of last week's blog, I will talk about male nudity in the movies. Do you know how many actors do, as the Brits call it, go the full monty? "Full monty" simply means showing your genitals on film. I'm NOT talking about porno films because that is required in all scenes that call for it. What I'm talking about is the mainstream and independent films. If I were to conduct a survey and watch EVERY single film ever made from 1896 to now, it would take me 120,000 hours to watch them all.
How did I come up with that number of 120,000 hours? Netflix boasts in the ads about 80,000 titles (I don't know if that counts porno flicks or not) and I figure an average of 1.5 hours or 90 minutes per film, so 90 minutes * 80,000 films = 7,200,000 minutes. To find out how many hours that is, 7,200,000 minutes / 60 minutes = 120,000 hours.
How many days does it take to watch 120,000 hours' worth of films? There are only 24 hours per day, so 24 hours * 60 minutes = 1440 minutes a day. Not counting leap years, there are 365 days so 365 days * 1440 minutes per day = 525,600 minutes a year. So...7,200,000 total minutes / 525,600 minutes per year = 13.698 years without ever sleeping for a single minute.
With that said, I wouldn't be far off if I said maybe 1% of all non-porno movies (which is only 800 total out of 80,000) have featured a full frontal nudity of an actor. No, showing your ass does not count! I think that about 50% to 60% of the movies have featured at least one female genitalia being bared. We all know which female genitalia is the most commonly shown.
What's the big deal? For many women, this represents the ongoing imbalance in the society. Think about this...it's okay for an older woman to seduce a younger man, but it's not okay for a woman to have many lovers (she would be considered as a slut). When the script calls for some nudity, do you think the actor feels obligated to show on film his penis during a love scene? What about the actress? I would say about 99% of the actresses do NOT have a non-nudity clause in their contracts.
I will be talking about a subject that seems to be taboo...an actor showing his penis on film for all to see...and maybe for all to judge. Some people have argued that the male ego is too frail to handle seeing something that is not an "accurate" representative of the state of manhood. Pop culture expert Mark Kingwell rationalized: "Guys don't like to see penises in film, because they are either too small (in travel mode) and therefore not worth all the fuss, or too big (in action mode) and so threatening to self-esteem." Ah, the fragile male ego! Maybe that's the case for some male moviegoers...but do they really have the power to manipulate the market? You betcha! The biggest demographic is teen boys with young men being the 2nd largest demographic.
Although male genitalia has been pretty scarce, it's increasingly finding its way on the big screen, and luckily for us, it's not just the Harvey Keitel variety with "Bad Lieutenant" and "The Piano". In fact, here's a link that claims to keep count of male nudity. Granted, aspiring actors looking for their big break may be willing to do the full monty.
Even Tom Cruise did it. Way back when he was struggling to establish his star power, he did a scene in "All the Right Moves" with an actress (Lea Thompson who would find fame with Michael J. Fox in the "Back to the Future" trilogy) where you clearly could see "him". Of course, he hit it big not long after that film with "Risky Business" when he pranced around in his underwear. That's why I find that funny - he had already exposed himself in an earlier movie without any notice and he doesn't do it again, just tighty whiteys and the ladies go nuts. Does that maxim of "Less is more" hold true? Hehe
Suppose you have the hots for Clive Owen or Daniel Craig or Will Smith or whomever. Would you shell out the money to SEE? Would you buy a ticket for the movie or even buy a DVD if that movie is pure crap just so you can, ahem, "review" the actor's contribution to cinema? Or...would you just shrug and say "Hmm, that took guts to put it on film for everyone to see"?
I remember some time back in 1992, Jeremy Irons (you remember him as the bad guy in "Die Hard With Vengeance") did a film called "Damage" and the media made a big deal out of a certain scene where Jeremy ran down the stairwell completely naked, his genitals completely unobstructed from the audience's view...bobbing allllllll over. I watched that scene and all I thought was "I would do that too if I was in the exact same situation. I wouldn't run back in and get dressed and rush down the stairs." I won't divulge more because that was, if you'll pardon the pun, the climax of the movie.
Now and then, a movie would come out that pushed the boundaries. Would anyone remember "Basic Instinct" if Sharon Stone hadn't gone commando during the police interrogation? Sure, the movie had a good plot...but Sharon's closeup view got people lining up to see that scene again. What about "Fatal Attraction"...what if Michael Douglas and Glenn Close had not gone for broke in the kitchen where they were both bottomless and "getting it on"? Granted, "Showgirls" tanked but everyone gasped at the girl from "Saved By The Bell" going totally full frontal. People everywhere yawned through Sharon Stone's silicone tits and bald beaver look in "Basic Instinct 2". Everyone knew there would always be another movie that would test the limit.
Then an independent movie came along last year that shook up everyone's notion of what is and what is not acceptable for the mainstream audience. Even I was surprised by what was shown in that film. Nothing was blurred nor was it quickly cut away to another angle/scene - you could see everything and I do mean EVERYTHING. Many groups and organizations protested the indie flick called "Shortbus" without ever seeing the film because they had heard about what was being explicitly shown AND they were upset that "Shortbus" would not get an X rating. "Shortbus" was released in the theaters without any rating. You won't find "Shortbus" in any rental chain - trust me, I looked everywhere and I had to ask a friend to get it through Netflix for me.
I say "Kudos" to the director, John Cameron Mitchell, because he took an unusual approach to making that movie without making it "pornographic". The male actors had to get "it" up in order to have the audience believe that everything the audience was seeing (relationship struggles and love scenes) was honest and real. So, the male actors had the hardest (again, pardon the pun hehe) role because they had to "perform" each and every time for the duration of each scene. Me, I'd lose it because of a director yelling "Cut!" in order to re-align the lights or do the scene in a different angle. LOL
What do you think? Less is more?
Staying with the vein (if you'll pardon the pun in a moment) of last week's blog, I will talk about male nudity in the movies. Do you know how many actors do, as the Brits call it, go the full monty? "Full monty" simply means showing your genitals on film. I'm NOT talking about porno films because that is required in all scenes that call for it. What I'm talking about is the mainstream and independent films. If I were to conduct a survey and watch EVERY single film ever made from 1896 to now, it would take me 120,000 hours to watch them all.
How did I come up with that number of 120,000 hours? Netflix boasts in the ads about 80,000 titles (I don't know if that counts porno flicks or not) and I figure an average of 1.5 hours or 90 minutes per film, so 90 minutes * 80,000 films = 7,200,000 minutes. To find out how many hours that is, 7,200,000 minutes / 60 minutes = 120,000 hours.
How many days does it take to watch 120,000 hours' worth of films? There are only 24 hours per day, so 24 hours * 60 minutes = 1440 minutes a day. Not counting leap years, there are 365 days so 365 days * 1440 minutes per day = 525,600 minutes a year. So...7,200,000 total minutes / 525,600 minutes per year = 13.698 years without ever sleeping for a single minute.
With that said, I wouldn't be far off if I said maybe 1% of all non-porno movies (which is only 800 total out of 80,000) have featured a full frontal nudity of an actor. No, showing your ass does not count! I think that about 50% to 60% of the movies have featured at least one female genitalia being bared. We all know which female genitalia is the most commonly shown.
What's the big deal? For many women, this represents the ongoing imbalance in the society. Think about this...it's okay for an older woman to seduce a younger man, but it's not okay for a woman to have many lovers (she would be considered as a slut). When the script calls for some nudity, do you think the actor feels obligated to show on film his penis during a love scene? What about the actress? I would say about 99% of the actresses do NOT have a non-nudity clause in their contracts.
I will be talking about a subject that seems to be taboo...an actor showing his penis on film for all to see...and maybe for all to judge. Some people have argued that the male ego is too frail to handle seeing something that is not an "accurate" representative of the state of manhood. Pop culture expert Mark Kingwell rationalized: "Guys don't like to see penises in film, because they are either too small (in travel mode) and therefore not worth all the fuss, or too big (in action mode) and so threatening to self-esteem." Ah, the fragile male ego! Maybe that's the case for some male moviegoers...but do they really have the power to manipulate the market? You betcha! The biggest demographic is teen boys with young men being the 2nd largest demographic.
Although male genitalia has been pretty scarce, it's increasingly finding its way on the big screen, and luckily for us, it's not just the Harvey Keitel variety with "Bad Lieutenant" and "The Piano". In fact, here's a link that claims to keep count of male nudity. Granted, aspiring actors looking for their big break may be willing to do the full monty.
Even Tom Cruise did it. Way back when he was struggling to establish his star power, he did a scene in "All the Right Moves" with an actress (Lea Thompson who would find fame with Michael J. Fox in the "Back to the Future" trilogy) where you clearly could see "him". Of course, he hit it big not long after that film with "Risky Business" when he pranced around in his underwear. That's why I find that funny - he had already exposed himself in an earlier movie without any notice and he doesn't do it again, just tighty whiteys and the ladies go nuts. Does that maxim of "Less is more" hold true? Hehe
Suppose you have the hots for Clive Owen or Daniel Craig or Will Smith or whomever. Would you shell out the money to SEE? Would you buy a ticket for the movie or even buy a DVD if that movie is pure crap just so you can, ahem, "review" the actor's contribution to cinema? Or...would you just shrug and say "Hmm, that took guts to put it on film for everyone to see"?
I remember some time back in 1992, Jeremy Irons (you remember him as the bad guy in "Die Hard With Vengeance") did a film called "Damage" and the media made a big deal out of a certain scene where Jeremy ran down the stairwell completely naked, his genitals completely unobstructed from the audience's view...bobbing allllllll over. I watched that scene and all I thought was "I would do that too if I was in the exact same situation. I wouldn't run back in and get dressed and rush down the stairs." I won't divulge more because that was, if you'll pardon the pun, the climax of the movie.
Now and then, a movie would come out that pushed the boundaries. Would anyone remember "Basic Instinct" if Sharon Stone hadn't gone commando during the police interrogation? Sure, the movie had a good plot...but Sharon's closeup view got people lining up to see that scene again. What about "Fatal Attraction"...what if Michael Douglas and Glenn Close had not gone for broke in the kitchen where they were both bottomless and "getting it on"? Granted, "Showgirls" tanked but everyone gasped at the girl from "Saved By The Bell" going totally full frontal. People everywhere yawned through Sharon Stone's silicone tits and bald beaver look in "Basic Instinct 2". Everyone knew there would always be another movie that would test the limit.
Then an independent movie came along last year that shook up everyone's notion of what is and what is not acceptable for the mainstream audience. Even I was surprised by what was shown in that film. Nothing was blurred nor was it quickly cut away to another angle/scene - you could see everything and I do mean EVERYTHING. Many groups and organizations protested the indie flick called "Shortbus" without ever seeing the film because they had heard about what was being explicitly shown AND they were upset that "Shortbus" would not get an X rating. "Shortbus" was released in the theaters without any rating. You won't find "Shortbus" in any rental chain - trust me, I looked everywhere and I had to ask a friend to get it through Netflix for me.
I say "Kudos" to the director, John Cameron Mitchell, because he took an unusual approach to making that movie without making it "pornographic". The male actors had to get "it" up in order to have the audience believe that everything the audience was seeing (relationship struggles and love scenes) was honest and real. So, the male actors had the hardest (again, pardon the pun hehe) role because they had to "perform" each and every time for the duration of each scene. Me, I'd lose it because of a director yelling "Cut!" in order to re-align the lights or do the scene in a different angle. LOL
What do you think? Less is more?
Labels:
eroticism,
fantasies,
honesty,
masturbation,
movies,
observation,
original post,
public nudity,
sex
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tips to Better Living #27
If you are sure nobody will notice during the cooking of the turkey and all the trimmings for Thanksgiving, someone WILL notice that you've passed gas.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and don't pass gas!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and don't pass gas!
Labels:
observation,
tips to better living
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
OP #12 - Remaking the wheel...
No, I don't mean "re-inventing the wheel". ;) The topic is about Hollywood churning out remakes and remakes of remakes of original movies rather than scripting original movies.
Let's recap year '08. To be considered as a release in the theaters, a movie had to play for a week in either L.A. or New York minimum during the calendar year of 2008. To be considered as a major release, a movie had to be on 1,000 screens or more on opening day.
According to the rule above, how many movies were released? 573 (not including the rule, 1,041 movies were released)
Out of 573 movies, how many were "major releases"? About 140 which is around 25% total
Now...here comes the remaking the wheel part. Small budget films do not typically have sequels and there are few foreign films that found success in American theaters.
Out of 573 movies, how many were remakes or American version of a foreign movie? 22
Out of 573 movies, how many were sequels? 18
Remakes and sequels together account for 40 movies out of about 140 major releases, or 28.5% total. Let's put this in perspective...
In the year of 1998, a total of 359 movies were released. 5 of them were remakes or American version of foreign film and 12 were sequels. Out of 359 total movies, how many were remakes/American version and sequels? 17 (or 4.7% total) Great movies of 1998? The Wedding Singer, Dark City, The Big Lebowski, City of Angels, Suicide Kings, Can't Hardly Wait, Out of Sight, Saving Private Ryan, The Cube, and The Last Emperor.
In the year of 1988, a grand total of 205 movies were released. 2 were remakes (0 for American versions of foreign films) and 17 were sequels (this was actually the year that did the sequels in - anyone remember any of the following sequels...?
Hmm. What was the average number of movies released per week for 1988? 3.9 movies per week. Wait a minute...how many movies on average per week for 1998? 6.9 movies per week. And 2008? An average of staggering 11.01 movies per week!
Hollywood, the answer to getting more money is NOT churning out more movies than before. Make quality movies, not quantity (producing fewer movies = less overworked people, which in turn allows everyone to come up with more original stuff for movies) and we will fork over MORE money than ever before to see GOOD movies.
Let's recap year '08. To be considered as a release in the theaters, a movie had to play for a week in either L.A. or New York minimum during the calendar year of 2008. To be considered as a major release, a movie had to be on 1,000 screens or more on opening day.
According to the rule above, how many movies were released? 573 (not including the rule, 1,041 movies were released)
Out of 573 movies, how many were "major releases"? About 140 which is around 25% total
Now...here comes the remaking the wheel part. Small budget films do not typically have sequels and there are few foreign films that found success in American theaters.
Out of 573 movies, how many were remakes or American version of a foreign movie? 22
Out of 573 movies, how many were sequels? 18
Remakes and sequels together account for 40 movies out of about 140 major releases, or 28.5% total. Let's put this in perspective...
In the year of 1998, a total of 359 movies were released. 5 of them were remakes or American version of foreign film and 12 were sequels. Out of 359 total movies, how many were remakes/American version and sequels? 17 (or 4.7% total) Great movies of 1998? The Wedding Singer, Dark City, The Big Lebowski, City of Angels, Suicide Kings, Can't Hardly Wait, Out of Sight, Saving Private Ryan, The Cube, and The Last Emperor.
In the year of 1988, a grand total of 205 movies were released. 2 were remakes (0 for American versions of foreign films) and 17 were sequels (this was actually the year that did the sequels in - anyone remember any of the following sequels...?
- Return of the Living Dead II
- Braddock: Missing in Action III (never made pt 4)
- Police Academy 5 (signaled the end of the franchise)
- Critters 2 (killed the momentum)
- Friday the 13th Part VII (we lost interest after that)
- Rambo III (uh-uh, you can kill hardened soldiers...so what?)
- Poltergeist III (Wtf...mirrors???)
- Short Circuit 2 (lost every trace of cute factor found in pt 1)
- Arthur 2 (who wanted to see Arthur be sober and not funny anymore?)
- Phantasm II (first one was scandalous...no shock factor in this one)
- Caddyshack II (where's the humor?!?)
- Nightmare on Elm Street 4 (just shoot me already)
- Iron Eagle II (wha...? No money for Jason Gerrick?)
- Return to Snowy River (not bad at all)
- Halloween 4 (made up for the misbegotten pt 3 featuring no Michael at all)
- Hellraiser II (introduced us to Hell within Hellraiser's realm)
Hmm. What was the average number of movies released per week for 1988? 3.9 movies per week. Wait a minute...how many movies on average per week for 1998? 6.9 movies per week. And 2008? An average of staggering 11.01 movies per week!
Hollywood, the answer to getting more money is NOT churning out more movies than before. Make quality movies, not quantity (producing fewer movies = less overworked people, which in turn allows everyone to come up with more original stuff for movies) and we will fork over MORE money than ever before to see GOOD movies.
Labels:
movies,
observation,
original post,
problems
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tips to Better Living #26
Even if you think you know a lot of things, you know less than you think...and everyone thinks you know more so it balances itself out quite nicely.
Labels:
honesty,
humor,
observation,
tips to better living
Thursday, November 12, 2009
HNT - Do as you are told...
She started talking to me about being a good neighbor and help her in Farm Town (in Facebook...)
Her: wanna do me?
Her: I mean, my farm :)
Me: Haha
Me: I need a worker too
Me: Hang on
Her: you need a hooker?
Me: Yes
Her: oh, a worker, my bad... should put my glasses on ;))
Me: Hehe
Me: Your bed or mine? I mean your farm or mine?
Her: mine :D
Me: I'm here
Me: Yo?
Her: my bad, spaced out
Her: lol
Her: hang on
Me: LOL
Me: Done
Her: thanks hot stuff
Me: I tried to hire you
Her: didn't get a request
Me: Oh ok
Me: Get it now?
Her: no sir
Her: guess it doesn't like me today
Me: Come over then
Her: oooh, are you getting fresh with me?
Me: Yes
Me: Get your wet kitty over here now, cunt
Her: it's about time lol
Her: :O yes sir!
Me: Going up to nap my daughter
Her: I am not wearing any panties
Her: okies
Me: So, no panties...huh
Her: no sir
Her: just a white tshirt and boxer shorts
Me: Any particular reason or were you just messing with me?
Her: they were removed last night... ;))
Her: just threw on the boxers this am
Me: :)
Me: You're quite a cockteaser
Her: oh yeah?
Me: Yes
Her: is that a complaint?? cuz I don't have to be...
Me: Haha
Me: You got it all. You want to plow or not?
Her: no thanks
Her: too impatient
Me: LOL
Me: Want me to make your kitty purr?
Her: that sounds like more fun...
Me: LOL
Her: well it does, just being honest lol
Me: What got it started?
Her: who said it has started?
Me: You said "well it does, just being honest"...meaning what?
Her: yes, it sounds like more fun...
Me: Oh! I thought you meant that your kitty is already purring
Her: LOL that's what you get for thinking
Her: :p
Her: and what's up with the cluster fuck of trees in the corner? lol
Me: You and other bitches gave me trees and then complained about me not planting any. LOL
Her: yeah well now I'm going to complain about them all being jammed in the fucking corner :p
Me: LOL
Her: how do you like them apples? ;))
Me: Maybe I can take a strip off of my farm just for the trees
Me: I'd rather see YOUR apples
Me: ;)
Her: lame
Her: LOL
Her: my apples?? they're the biggest apples I've ever seen lol
Me: LOL!
Me: And I produce great protein shakes
Her: LMAO
Me: If you wanna see..........
Me: Go to msn ;)
Her: msn hates me
Her: I downloaded it again but it didn't want to work
Me: That's because of norton, right?
Her: I have no idea why it didn't work
Her: I can't even find it
Me: You have norton security, right?
Her: yes
Me: That has expired, right?
Her: no... J just put 2010 on it
Me: I'll talk to someone about that
Me: So...what do you want to do now?
Her: ok
Her: um... idk... what do you wanna do?
Me: I'm chilling until further notice LOL
Her: lazy ass LOL
Me: I said..."until further notice"
Her: I read that you submissive little bitch :p
Me: Hehe
Her: again... lazy ass
Me: LOL
Her: I need a shower
Her: my neck is sore
Me: My back is sore. My cock isn't. LOL
Her: LOL good to know
Me: If you ain't interested...I can go shower
Her: when have you known me to be not interested?
Me: Because you ain't initiating LOL
Her: I always do the initiating...
Her: maybe I want to be the submissive little bitch today :p
Me: Still in shirt and boxers?
Her: yes sir
Me: How's your kitty?
Her: she's lovely, thank you
Me: Hehe
Her: looking at your wife's kitty...
Me: Do you prefer to shower before playing with your kitty?
Me: Her picture was right after a shower
Her: I might just play with my kitty while I shower...
Me: Yeah
Her: mmhmm
Her: she needs a trim
Me: She shaved
Her: no, my kitty needs a trim
Me: Ahh Duh me
Me: Describe
Her: I like to keep the welcome mat neat and tidy
Me: LOL
Her: what? lol I do...
Me: I like mine all cleared off
Her: I like fuzzy friction
Me: Answer me...do you play with a dirty kitty?
Her: if the mood strikes :p
Me: Yeah
Me: LOL
Her: mmhmm
Me: I want you to stick a finger in
Me: And rub your clit a little
Her: you do...
Her: just one?
Me: One
Her: k
Me: Use the other hand to rub
Me: When it starts to feel good, stop and let me know
Her: feels good
Me: And have you stopped?
Her: now I have lol
Me: How far along have you gone?
Her: very wet... clit throbbing
Me: Have you tasted your finger?
Her: no
Me: Do you want to?
Her: no... I just want to touch it
Me: You want to touch it? How bad do you want to?
Her: really bad NV...
Her: will you let me?
Me: Beg me for it, cunt
Her: i want it... please my NV
Me: Are you my bitch or am I your bitch?
Her: i'm your bitch baby
Me: Ok...you may touch it...only slightly...and for 10 seconds. Now.
Me: How was it?
Her: mmmm
Her: more
Me: Would you like to insert a finger?
Her: yes please
Me: 2 fingers I will allow you...if you respond to my next message right away...go
Me: Did you go in fast and furious or slowly?
Her: fasst
Me: Gooood....
Her: more please NV
Me: You need to pinch and twist your nipples now
Her: ok
Me: Remove your shorts now and keep standing up
Her: ready
Me: Insert 2 fingers slowly...and leave those 2 inside your wet pussy
Me: Tell me when you have done it
Her: done
Me: Wiggle them
Me: No in and out
Me: Wiggle them
Me: Pinch nipples
Me: Stroke your fingers in and out...slowly
Me: Don't you fucking dare to go faster, you fuck!
Me: Stop now.
Her: but i want to go faster... please
Her: stopped...
Me: Beg me, you asshole! Beg me hard!
Her: NV please... i want to keep going
Her: please
Me: How close are you?
Me: How many minutes til you come?
Her: very
Her: 2
Me: You have exactly one minute to come when you see this. Go!
Her: please
Me (after waiting 55 seconds): 5
Me: 4
Me: 3
Me: 2
Me: 1
Me: Stop!
Me: You better fucking stop!
Me: Now!
Her: i stopped i stopped...
Me: How close are you, you fucking bitch!
Her: right there
Her: on the verge
Me: Rub your clit slowly now
Me: I am drooling and I am so hard
Her: god...
Her: NV
Me: Sit down.
Her: sitting...
Me: Now! Get yourself off now!
Me: One minute now
Me: 30 seconds!
Me: 15!
Me: 10
Me: 9
Me: 8
Me: 7
Me: 6
Me: 5
Me: 4
Me: 3
Me: 2
Me: 1
Me: Now!
Me: Cum for me now!
Me: Now!
Me: Type now!
Her: ii am
Me: Fucking bitch of mine, aren't you?
Me: Cum hard!
Her: yeds
Her: yes
Me: How bad do you want my cock?
Her: bad
Me: How bad do you want me?
Her: NV...
Me: Tell me!
Her: i want you NV
Me: How bad do you want my wife?
Her: mmmmmm
Her: i want her so bad
Me: How bad do you want to show me?
Her: BAD
Me: I want to see you...but I can wait. How hard was your climax?
Her: my legs are still shaking
Me: If you want another one like this, you WILL cam up when you're told to! Do you understand me, my bitch?
Her: yes NV
Me: Address me properly!
Her: yes my NV
Me: That's better...how bad do you want me?
Her: bad bad
Me: You fuck, address me properly!
Her: really bad my NV
Me: Tell me how HOW bad you want me
Her: i want your fucking hard cock really fucking bad my NV
Me: Take a picture of your soaking cunt and show it to your hubby...NOW
Her: I'll show him later... he's asleep
Me: I don't mean show him a picture now....I mean take a picture now!
Her: ok
Me: With your pussy sopping wet and quaking legs...
Me: Save it on your computer and show him later how hard you got off, is that clear, you bitch?!?
Her: pic taken
Her: yes my NV
Me: Put your shorts back on.
Her: ok
Me: Lick your finger
Her: mmmm
Me: When will any of your kids be home?
Her: my son is upstairs sleeping, the girls will be home around 3:20
Me: Then...you have an assignment.
Me: Do it now or consequences will be severe
Her: yes?
Me: Black out your pussy and save it as "kitty.jpg"
Me: Send it to both my wife and me
Her: NV...
Me: Address me properly
Her: my NV...
Me: Yes, my bitch?
Her: I don't think I should...
Me: Because?
Her: He wouldn't like it...
Me: How about just to my wife instead?
Her: so she can show it to you? lol
Me: Black it out or not...and you can request that she NOT show it to me
Her: we'll see... ok?
Me: We will see about what?
Her: I don't think he'll go for it
Me: For her to see, you mean?
Her: yes
Me: I will let you off the hook...this time.
Me: How do you feel?
Her: I'll talk to him about it, ok? But I can't do anything that'll upset him...
Her: I feel very good
Her: how do you like me all submissive and vulnerable??
Me: I said "I'll let you off the hook" and I mean it.
Her: ;))
Me: I've been totally dominant before. How did I do, bitch?
Her: very well my NV
Me: Very good. When I tell you to do something, you WILL DO AS TOLD. Clear?
Her: bet you didn't know I could turn off my sarcasm for that long, did you? =))
Me: :)
Her: and how do you feel?
Me: Like 7.5 inches
Her: lol
Her: you know what I mean
Her: answer me dammit
Me: I don't become submissive...and you will address me propery, you cunt
Her: LOL
Her: please answer me my NV
Her: you really get off on that whole "my NV" thing, don't you?
Me: I am dominant by nature...and I will step up and show you when I want/need to. I love that you say "my NV".
Her: :)
Me: I am so fucking wet
Me: Good
Her: next time... I want to see your face
Me: How did YOU feel about being ordered around like that?
Me: Yes. And I want to see your face as well
Me: Ask me for my face...properly, next time.
Her: how do you think I felt?
Her: I obeyed... didn't I?
Her: I didn't even talk back once lol
Me: :)
Me: I'm glad you didn't talk back once.
Her: are you? then I should have talked back twice LOL
Me: I would've punished you
Me: Talk back and find out what happens, you fucking cunt
Her: woohoo!
Her: kids are home
Her: ttyl :*
The end result? I was so turned on that I had two MASSIVE wet spots in my jeans. Jeez.
Her: wanna do me?
Her: I mean, my farm :)
Me: Haha
Me: I need a worker too
Me: Hang on
Her: you need a hooker?
Me: Yes
Her: oh, a worker, my bad... should put my glasses on ;))
Me: Hehe
Me: Your bed or mine? I mean your farm or mine?
Her: mine :D
Me: I'm here
Me: Yo?
Her: my bad, spaced out
Her: lol
Her: hang on
Me: LOL
Me: Done
Her: thanks hot stuff
Me: I tried to hire you
Her: didn't get a request
Me: Oh ok
Me: Get it now?
Her: no sir
Her: guess it doesn't like me today
Me: Come over then
Her: oooh, are you getting fresh with me?
Me: Yes
Me: Get your wet kitty over here now, cunt
Her: it's about time lol
Her: :O yes sir!
Me: Going up to nap my daughter
Her: I am not wearing any panties
Her: okies
Me: So, no panties...huh
Her: no sir
Her: just a white tshirt and boxer shorts
Me: Any particular reason or were you just messing with me?
Her: they were removed last night... ;))
Her: just threw on the boxers this am
Me: :)
Me: You're quite a cockteaser
Her: oh yeah?
Me: Yes
Her: is that a complaint?? cuz I don't have to be...
Me: Haha
Me: You got it all. You want to plow or not?
Her: no thanks
Her: too impatient
Me: LOL
Me: Want me to make your kitty purr?
Her: that sounds like more fun...
Me: LOL
Her: well it does, just being honest lol
Me: What got it started?
Her: who said it has started?
Me: You said "well it does, just being honest"...meaning what?
Her: yes, it sounds like more fun...
Me: Oh! I thought you meant that your kitty is already purring
Her: LOL that's what you get for thinking
Her: :p
Her: and what's up with the cluster fuck of trees in the corner? lol
Me: You and other bitches gave me trees and then complained about me not planting any. LOL
Her: yeah well now I'm going to complain about them all being jammed in the fucking corner :p
Me: LOL
Her: how do you like them apples? ;))
Me: Maybe I can take a strip off of my farm just for the trees
Me: I'd rather see YOUR apples
Me: ;)
Her: lame
Her: LOL
Her: my apples?? they're the biggest apples I've ever seen lol
Me: LOL!
Me: And I produce great protein shakes
Her: LMAO
Me: If you wanna see..........
Me: Go to msn ;)
Her: msn hates me
Her: I downloaded it again but it didn't want to work
Me: That's because of norton, right?
Her: I have no idea why it didn't work
Her: I can't even find it
Me: You have norton security, right?
Her: yes
Me: That has expired, right?
Her: no... J just put 2010 on it
Me: I'll talk to someone about that
Me: So...what do you want to do now?
Her: ok
Her: um... idk... what do you wanna do?
Me: I'm chilling until further notice LOL
Her: lazy ass LOL
Me: I said..."until further notice"
Her: I read that you submissive little bitch :p
Me: Hehe
Her: again... lazy ass
Me: LOL
Her: I need a shower
Her: my neck is sore
Me: My back is sore. My cock isn't. LOL
Her: LOL good to know
Me: If you ain't interested...I can go shower
Her: when have you known me to be not interested?
Me: Because you ain't initiating LOL
Her: I always do the initiating...
Her: maybe I want to be the submissive little bitch today :p
Me: Still in shirt and boxers?
Her: yes sir
Me: How's your kitty?
Her: she's lovely, thank you
Me: Hehe
Her: looking at your wife's kitty...
Me: Do you prefer to shower before playing with your kitty?
Me: Her picture was right after a shower
Her: I might just play with my kitty while I shower...
Me: Yeah
Her: mmhmm
Her: she needs a trim
Me: She shaved
Her: no, my kitty needs a trim
Me: Ahh Duh me
Me: Describe
Her: I like to keep the welcome mat neat and tidy
Me: LOL
Her: what? lol I do...
Me: I like mine all cleared off
Her: I like fuzzy friction
Me: Answer me...do you play with a dirty kitty?
Her: if the mood strikes :p
Me: Yeah
Me: LOL
Her: mmhmm
Me: I want you to stick a finger in
Me: And rub your clit a little
Her: you do...
Her: just one?
Me: One
Her: k
Me: Use the other hand to rub
Me: When it starts to feel good, stop and let me know
Her: feels good
Me: And have you stopped?
Her: now I have lol
Me: How far along have you gone?
Her: very wet... clit throbbing
Me: Have you tasted your finger?
Her: no
Me: Do you want to?
Her: no... I just want to touch it
Me: You want to touch it? How bad do you want to?
Her: really bad NV...
Her: will you let me?
Me: Beg me for it, cunt
Her: i want it... please my NV
Me: Are you my bitch or am I your bitch?
Her: i'm your bitch baby
Me: Ok...you may touch it...only slightly...and for 10 seconds. Now.
Me: How was it?
Her: mmmm
Her: more
Me: Would you like to insert a finger?
Her: yes please
Me: 2 fingers I will allow you...if you respond to my next message right away...go
Me: Did you go in fast and furious or slowly?
Her: fasst
Me: Gooood....
Her: more please NV
Me: You need to pinch and twist your nipples now
Her: ok
Me: Remove your shorts now and keep standing up
Her: ready
Me: Insert 2 fingers slowly...and leave those 2 inside your wet pussy
Me: Tell me when you have done it
Her: done
Me: Wiggle them
Me: No in and out
Me: Wiggle them
Me: Pinch nipples
Me: Stroke your fingers in and out...slowly
Me: Don't you fucking dare to go faster, you fuck!
Me: Stop now.
Her: but i want to go faster... please
Her: stopped...
Me: Beg me, you asshole! Beg me hard!
Her: NV please... i want to keep going
Her: please
Me: How close are you?
Me: How many minutes til you come?
Her: very
Her: 2
Me: You have exactly one minute to come when you see this. Go!
Her: please
Me (after waiting 55 seconds): 5
Me: 4
Me: 3
Me: 2
Me: 1
Me: Stop!
Me: You better fucking stop!
Me: Now!
Her: i stopped i stopped...
Me: How close are you, you fucking bitch!
Her: right there
Her: on the verge
Me: Rub your clit slowly now
Me: I am drooling and I am so hard
Her: god...
Her: NV
Me: Sit down.
Her: sitting...
Me: Now! Get yourself off now!
Me: One minute now
Me: 30 seconds!
Me: 15!
Me: 10
Me: 9
Me: 8
Me: 7
Me: 6
Me: 5
Me: 4
Me: 3
Me: 2
Me: 1
Me: Now!
Me: Cum for me now!
Me: Now!
Me: Type now!
Her: ii am
Me: Fucking bitch of mine, aren't you?
Me: Cum hard!
Her: yeds
Her: yes
Me: How bad do you want my cock?
Her: bad
Me: How bad do you want me?
Her: NV...
Me: Tell me!
Her: i want you NV
Me: How bad do you want my wife?
Her: mmmmmm
Her: i want her so bad
Me: How bad do you want to show me?
Her: BAD
Me: I want to see you...but I can wait. How hard was your climax?
Her: my legs are still shaking
Me: If you want another one like this, you WILL cam up when you're told to! Do you understand me, my bitch?
Her: yes NV
Me: Address me properly!
Her: yes my NV
Me: That's better...how bad do you want me?
Her: bad bad
Me: You fuck, address me properly!
Her: really bad my NV
Me: Tell me how HOW bad you want me
Her: i want your fucking hard cock really fucking bad my NV
Me: Take a picture of your soaking cunt and show it to your hubby...NOW
Her: I'll show him later... he's asleep
Me: I don't mean show him a picture now....I mean take a picture now!
Her: ok
Me: With your pussy sopping wet and quaking legs...
Me: Save it on your computer and show him later how hard you got off, is that clear, you bitch?!?
Her: pic taken
Her: yes my NV
Me: Put your shorts back on.
Her: ok
Me: Lick your finger
Her: mmmm
Me: When will any of your kids be home?
Her: my son is upstairs sleeping, the girls will be home around 3:20
Me: Then...you have an assignment.
Me: Do it now or consequences will be severe
Her: yes?
Me: Black out your pussy and save it as "kitty.jpg"
Me: Send it to both my wife and me
Her: NV...
Me: Address me properly
Her: my NV...
Me: Yes, my bitch?
Her: I don't think I should...
Me: Because?
Her: He wouldn't like it...
Me: How about just to my wife instead?
Her: so she can show it to you? lol
Me: Black it out or not...and you can request that she NOT show it to me
Her: we'll see... ok?
Me: We will see about what?
Her: I don't think he'll go for it
Me: For her to see, you mean?
Her: yes
Me: I will let you off the hook...this time.
Me: How do you feel?
Her: I'll talk to him about it, ok? But I can't do anything that'll upset him...
Her: I feel very good
Her: how do you like me all submissive and vulnerable??
Me: I said "I'll let you off the hook" and I mean it.
Her: ;))
Me: I've been totally dominant before. How did I do, bitch?
Her: very well my NV
Me: Very good. When I tell you to do something, you WILL DO AS TOLD. Clear?
Her: bet you didn't know I could turn off my sarcasm for that long, did you? =))
Me: :)
Her: and how do you feel?
Me: Like 7.5 inches
Her: lol
Her: you know what I mean
Her: answer me dammit
Me: I don't become submissive...and you will address me propery, you cunt
Her: LOL
Her: please answer me my NV
Her: you really get off on that whole "my NV" thing, don't you?
Me: I am dominant by nature...and I will step up and show you when I want/need to. I love that you say "my NV".
Her: :)
Me: I am so fucking wet
Me: Good
Her: next time... I want to see your face
Me: How did YOU feel about being ordered around like that?
Me: Yes. And I want to see your face as well
Me: Ask me for my face...properly, next time.
Her: how do you think I felt?
Her: I obeyed... didn't I?
Her: I didn't even talk back once lol
Me: :)
Me: I'm glad you didn't talk back once.
Her: are you? then I should have talked back twice LOL
Me: I would've punished you
Me: Talk back and find out what happens, you fucking cunt
Her: woohoo!
Her: kids are home
Her: ttyl :*
The end result? I was so turned on that I had two MASSIVE wet spots in my jeans. Jeez.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tips to Better Living #25
Never take a young male child bra shopping. He is liable act like a virgin at a strip joint and yell "BOOOOOBIES!".
- as told to me by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous
- as told to me by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous
Labels:
humor,
surprises,
tips to better living
Thursday, November 5, 2009
HNT - So vulnerable
My younger daughter was having a meltdown because she was unable to express what the problem was with her. She asked that I sit and watch a Barbie movie with her, but I did not want to because those are poorly written. She asked that I change it out for "The Incredibles" and she then asked that I watch it with her. I did not want to watch that movie because that would be 8th time in 2 weeks. It's a good movie and I do enjoy it, but enough is enough.
She trashed her TV room and I got upset about that. I was LOUD with her and then I stormed off to make lunch. Asked her what she wanted to drink and I got her that. She didn't want to finish either so I took both away and she lost it again. I told her that it was time for her to nap now and she lost it again. I wouldn't give in to her and made her go with me upstairs to her bed.
She kept crying and was incoherent. That's when I realized that my actions were harsh to her so I tried to explain and apologize to her. That's when *I* lost it. I rolled away from her so she wouldn't see what was going to happen and I started sobbing quietly. I had cried for 5 minutes before I noticed that she wasn't moving around...she had fallen asleep. I got up and went downstairs...and cried some more.
I genuinely felt bad about overreacting to her...she might have been sick, hungry, tired, or all of above...and I just did not respond appropriately to her. I had a meeting to run later on and I just did not care because all I could think about was how poorly I handled that situation with my baby. How could she possibly understand when she is only 2 1/2 years old?
~click to see how sorry I was~
She trashed her TV room and I got upset about that. I was LOUD with her and then I stormed off to make lunch. Asked her what she wanted to drink and I got her that. She didn't want to finish either so I took both away and she lost it again. I told her that it was time for her to nap now and she lost it again. I wouldn't give in to her and made her go with me upstairs to her bed.
She kept crying and was incoherent. That's when I realized that my actions were harsh to her so I tried to explain and apologize to her. That's when *I* lost it. I rolled away from her so she wouldn't see what was going to happen and I started sobbing quietly. I had cried for 5 minutes before I noticed that she wasn't moving around...she had fallen asleep. I got up and went downstairs...and cried some more.
I genuinely felt bad about overreacting to her...she might have been sick, hungry, tired, or all of above...and I just did not respond appropriately to her. I had a meeting to run later on and I just did not care because all I could think about was how poorly I handled that situation with my baby. How could she possibly understand when she is only 2 1/2 years old?
Labels:
HNT,
problems,
relationship
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